Tug of War

wednesday night I was up

at 3 a.m.

I had been sleeping

for four minutes

I woke up

disoriented and confused

I am taking this drug

Gabapentin

It makes me groggy

Candice was in a chair

next to my bed

Jackie asleep

in her bed

next to mine

I was moaning loudly

Jackie woke up

I was trying to figure out

what I was supposed to do

in my mind

were the letters

C and S

I was so out of it

I wanted to move my body

but didn’t know how

I realized there were two things

I could do with my body

I could either lie there

my arms spread out

or I could pee

I kept thinking

I was supposed to

be doing something else

Jackie and Candice

were trying to bring me back

I was telling them

they were asking me

to do things I could no longer do

I was being pulled

to the other side

they asked me questions

about the day before

I knew the answers

I did not remember

falling asleep

I did not remember

using the ventilator

there was a noise in the kitchen

Andrew was getting a glass of water

Candice brought him into the room

the three of them

sat me on the side of the bed

for a reset

they took me to the bathroom

then got me back into bed

we joked and laughed

Candice went to sleep

Andrew went back to bed

leaving Jackie and me alone

I looked at Jackie who was sitting

next to me on the side of the bed

I said, kiss me

we kissed slowly

over and over again

I told her

I choose celebration over suffering