Soul Shine

on Monday morning Jaci came over

to give me a haircut

she used to cut my father’s hair

as her razor buzzed

she stopped and looked at me

bright-eyed and said

I’ve been seeing your parents

do you want to hear about it?

your mom is sitting patiently in a chair

your dad is pacing back and forth

your mom is telling him to stay calm

he is calling for you

Jaci also talked to me about

how she sees me physically waking up from sleep

she holds her arms akimbo

mimicks precisely

the muscle tension I experience

each time I wake

how would she know that?

she says when I sleep

my soul is hovering over my body

when it reenters it startles me

she talks to me more about my parents

Jaci didn’t know my mother

I show her two photos

one when my mother was sixteen

the other four months before she died

that’s the Pearl

she sees with my dad

I ask Jaci if my parents know about me

of course they do

Jaci tells me my soul

signed up for this life

who knows why

she talks to me about surrender

how I know so many people

who love and support me

Jaci finishes cutting my hair

tweezes a few rogue forehead strands

and calls it good

*

On Monday night while I was asleep

I heard my father calling for me

Mawkie Mawkie Mawkie

he was very far away

*

Tuesday I saw my therapist Andy

I told him about my haircut

I told him about my father calling for me

he asked me when my mother died

eighteen years ago

your father just died

your mother has been on the other side

for a long time

I spoke to Andy

about my violent wake-ups

whether I am asleep for an hour

or two minutes

I wake up with my arm and shoulder

muscles so tense

my hands tightly curled

when I am sleeping

I am told my body is loose and limp

Andy says my soul is leaving my body

my body fears

my soul is getting too far away

he tells me I should focus

on staying close

*

that night

I slept a lot

I woke up a few times

very disoriented

I had been trying to answer

some very difficult questions

I knew the answers

but was afraid of them

I woke up

muscles tense

arms akimbo

and slowly realized

where I was

in bed

in the middle of the night

my caregiver Candice nearby

I talked to Candice

my thoughts all jumbled

I couldn’t remember the questions

this happened three times

*

Wednesday I went to the dentist

I fell asleep in the chair

as michelle scraped and picked at my teeth

Later I had a session with Sara

I fell asleep on the table four times

I had three gentle wake-ups

and one startled and tense

After the massage Liz was here

ready to write

she brought me a beautiful card

from her daughter, Maeve

it said

you have soul shine