Not Every Day Has To Be A Strong Day

Tuesday

30 degrees below outside

a high of 2

ugh.

town day

woke up so weak

legs heavy, arms sore

maybe from session with Sara day before

maybe from all the computer work

maybe from saying goodbye to Andrew

maybe the bitter cold

Jackie taking me to town

but running around all morning

I lay down in bed

and wait for her to get back

she’s running late so I manage my way

with my walking sticks

to the bathroom

and somehow get my jeans on

so I’m more ready

when she comes

back to get me

I sit on the side of the bed

and wait for her

when she arrives there are some guys

working on the threshold to the garage

she puts on my shoes and coat

somehow I manage with my walking sticks

and get in the car

2 stops for me

Jackie with an appointment in between

first stop Price Rite Drugs

to look at wheel chairs and walkers

the owner meets me at the door with a wheelchair

I am so cold from the 15 feet walk to the door

snow and ice everywhere

the place is under renovation

rugs and carpets everywhere

walking hazards for me

walkers and wheelchairs lined up against a wall

boxes of other medical supplies along the other wall

he wheels me to the power wheel chairs

and we start talking about my needs, my issues

his experience with ALS

I’m not steady with my sticks

I need a walker, but which one

I need a lightweight wheelchair for the car

I need a power wheelchair for life –

he tells us his first patient with ALS was from Big Sky

years ago, was bed ridden, got him a power wheelchair

and he lived 4 more years

the power wheel chairs turn you into a bionic man

they twirl, they lift, they turn, they go fast

all with a joystick, fiber-optics, they recline

they become your body

I kept myself together, tried out a couple of walkers

slowly pushing with the brakes engaged

people coming in and out flew by me

even at a store for handicapped people

the world flew by me

our friend Gail met us there to help take me to my next appointment

she joined in on the conversation

I asked him about a cushion since I sit so much

and he looked at us, yes , you don’t want to get butt sores

have they told you that, you should be checking

Jackie and I looked at him, they haven’t told us anything

there is no they

the owner said he would come to our house and evaluate

he has a portable ramp he can give us,

he can bring up choices of wheelchairs, walkers, whatever else

by now I was completely overwhelmed

I needed to pee, Jackie helped me into their bathroom

I was so unsteady on my feet

we left with nothing

Jackie, Gail and the owner helped me into Gail’s car

to take me to my acupuncture appointment

Jackie had an appointment of her own

and would be picking me up after acupuncture

as soon as I was alone with Gail I burst into tears

it’s all so crazy, I still don’t believe it’s true

it sucks, it’s so scary, tears streamed down my face

I could hardly talk

Gail had some lunch for me,

a salad and some chicken in a box from the co-op

but I wasn’t  hungry

I was upset

I couldn’t use the small white plastic fork

I gnawed on the chicken leg for a little nourishment

but I couldn’t eat

my acupuncture appointment was in ten minutes

when we got there Lauren was behind schedule

so Gail and I sat in the car

when Lauren was ready they would send someone out to get me

Gail and I talked, Mark if there is anything I can do

if I could make this go away, I would

I don’t believe this is happening to you

Megan came out to help get me in

How are you doing? she asked

I choked up

That’s O.K. she said, I get it.

ever so slowly I got out of the car and walked with my sticks

over the ice and snow

over the cracks in the sidewalk

over the mats and the threshold

into the office and then into Lauren’s room

I made it.

Lauren asked me how I was doing

and I cried,

feeling very weak, I told her

about my earlier appointment

I’ve had a lot of falls

so we are trying to figure it out

the sticks are not stable enough

I’m doing all this anti-inflammatory stuff

but I’m going around inflaming myself

we talked about the holidays

the holidays are stressful I said

it was great to have the family together

but the store was so busy,

I go in for only 3 hours per week

and it’s still unbelievably stressful

it’s too much on Jackie

it was 2 boys working and 1 with me

she took my pulses and we decided to work from the chair

I asked her to take off my shoes

and she took off my socks as well

we looked at my feet – they looked like feet

not sausages, we laughed

then the needles, one in each wrist near my pulse

one in each ear

some in my calves and ankles

and a bunch in my head

the ones in my head were a little sharper than usual

she said she was going a little deeper this time

she had me lift my thighs and wiggled the needles at the same time

I was surprised at the lift I was getting

she left me alone for 5 minutes

and I sat there, a tear dripping down my cheek

I focused on my breathing and relaxed

after taking out all the needles

she helped get my shoes and coats back on

then getting up from the chair was a bit of an ordeal

she moved furniture around to give me something to lean on

and helped lift me up

she escorted me out as I walked with my sticks

I was beat, feet so heavy, my head ached, she had worked me

at the front desk they had my phone, water bottle, food

Jackie had just texted she was on her way

I picked up a bunch of vitamins and paid

Lauren and Jackie escorted me to the car

walking with the sticks – it was 0 degrees out

once in the car I closed the door

when Jackie got in I burst into tears again

I’m so scared, I bawled, those wheelchairs

Jackie said, you know what that card Carmen sent said,

not everyday has to be a strong day

Yes, I cried

She told me that she visited with Cece and her parents

and they had given her a walker,

Janet never used it – it wasn’t right for her

so they gave it to me to try

that’s great I said, otherwise I was going to suggest

we go back and buy one

Let’s go home