Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Lucky Me


lucky me
had an extra session with Sara
to help loosen me up for tomorrow’s big travel to Miami

Jackie is in with Sara right now
Tracy just stopped by with airplane snacks
Micah is sacked out in the sofa bed watching t.v.
I’m at my spot at the kitchen
now Howie just got home from school
I just got a text that my chauffeur was on location in Ft. Lauderdale
so I called them, they had the wrong day, now rebooked for tomorrow
now my friend Marc is calling from Durango

at the start of my session with Sara
she noticed my left hand scars
burned badly when I was 2 years old
she burned her hand with hot grease the other day
and had a bandage over it
she focused on my middle finger, dry and peeled
with a split fingernail

she was focused on the trauma, the first trauma of my life
and the confused feelings that must have gone with it
not just the crazy physical pain, but the emotional –
how you must have been so conflicted, and your mother
I am feeling a lot of pain coming from that finger, Sara told me

I told her the story, the invented memory of a 2 year old
in the basement watching my mother iron sheets
the phone rings, my brothers yell downstairs, it’s Dad
my mother turns off the iron goes upstairs
my brothers come downstairs
I walk over to the mangler iron
like a giant rolling pin
with a hot bar over it
turn it on and stick my left hand in
it grabs my hand and I scream, somehow I am able to pull it out
before it got my thumb
adrenalin or a miracle or both
my hand was white as a sheet
my mother’s face was white as a sheet
she rushed me around the corner to the doctor
his face turned white
he bandaged it up and I screamed and howled and screamed
my poor mother
two surgeries when I was two, skin graft from my butt
two surgeries when I was fifteen, mostly cosmetic
but I was lucky, didn’t lose any use of my hand
until now

years later I was watching a t.v. movie
about the one armed outfielder Pete Gray
in the movie a young teenage boy was playing at home
he turned on a mangler iron and stuck his hand in it
he lost his arm
lucky me

I told Sara that it has occurred to me
that the trauma of burning my left hand
is maybe where this all began
but who knows, it’s not worth even going there
Thich Nhat Hanh says we need to forgive ourselves
for whatever it is that has caused us despair
embrace that troubled boy

in the middle of writing this I took a nap
Ashley stopped by with more food and her daughter, Piper
who gives the best hugs, she was hugging me in the bed
and Buddy jumped up on top of her
the guys staying with Howie and Micah show up and walk Buddy
and will then get all the house instructions
college friend Chris from Boston started texting me
I’ll be seeing him in Florida on Saturday!
Acra and Chris visited me for half an hour
they were grabbing Howie’s ski stuff for this weekend’s Snowbird comps
I told them what’s been going on
Acra is praying for me and that in itself makes me hopeful
there are so many people praying for me
I am blessed

it is 8 pm and we are still packing
haven’t had dinner yet
somehow we will get packed and be ready
and get some sleep
for a 3am home departure

for the 5:45am flight

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