My Upside Down Universe

1/23/17

Miami Beach Florida

Jackie and I flew out on Thursday, January 19^th. Woke up at 2:30am for the drive to the airport.  3 flights: Bozeman-Minneapolis-Atlanta-Ft. Lauderdale. An hour car ride to the beautiful

beachside condo on the 14^th floor with spectacular views.  Greeted by Henri and Rhoda Sue at the entrance.

Overtired and anxiety-ridden, eventually I fell asleep.

Woke up in sunny Florida and settled into vacation mode. Have not really looked  at the computer since that first morning, which also happened to be inauguration day-stuck our heads in the sand as much as we could.

I will let the pictures speak for themselves. We are on vacation and attempting normalcy in an upside down universe. Trying out my rented power chair and visiting with family and friends…

I must say one thing though, I am super proud of all my friends and family who marched on Saturday all over the world!

Lucky Me

1/18/17

lucky me

had an extra session with Sara

to help loosen me up for tomorrow’s big travel to Miami

Jackie is in with Sara right now

Tracy just stopped by with airplane snacks

Micah is sacked out in the sofa bed watching t.v.

I’m at my spot at the kitchen

now Howie just got home from school

I just got a text that my chauffeur was on location in Ft. Lauderdale

so I called them, they had the wrong day, now rebooked for tomorrow

now my friend Marc is calling from Durango

at the start of my session with Sara

she noticed my left hand scars

burned badly when I was 2 years old

she burned her hand with hot grease the other day

and had a bandage over it

she focused on my middle finger, dry and peeled

with a split fingernail

she was focused on the trauma, the first trauma of my life

and the confused feelings that must have gone with it

not just the crazy physical pain, but the emotional –

how you must have been so conflicted, and your mother

I am feeling a lot of pain coming from that finger, Sara told me

I told her the story, the invented memory of a 2 year old

in the basement watching my mother iron sheets

the phone rings, my brothers yell downstairs, it’s Dad

my mother turns off the iron goes upstairs

my brothers come downstairs

I walk over to the mangler iron

like a giant rolling pin

with a hot bar over it

turn it on and stick my left hand in

it grabs my hand and I scream, somehow I am able to pull it out

before it got my thumb

adrenalin or a miracle or both

my hand was white as a sheet

my mother’s face was white as a sheet

she rushed me around the corner to the doctor

his face turned white

he bandaged it up and I screamed and howled and screamed

my poor mother

two surgeries when I was two, skin graft from my butt

two surgeries when I was fifteen, mostly cosmetic

but I was lucky, didn’t lose any use of my hand

until now

years later I was watching a t.v. movie

about the one armed outfielder Pete Gray

in the movie a young teenage boy was playing at home

he turned on a mangler iron and stuck his hand in it

he lost his arm

lucky me

I told Sara that it has occurred to me

that the trauma of burning my left hand

is maybe where this all began

but who knows, it’s not worth even going there

Thich Nhat Hanh says we need to forgive ourselves

for whatever it is that has caused us despair

embrace that troubled boy

in the middle of writing this I took a nap

Ashley stopped by with more food and her daughter, Piper

who gives the best hugs, she was hugging me in the bed

and Buddy jumped up on top of her

the guys staying with Howie and Micah show up and walk Buddy

and will then get all the house instructions

college friend Chris from Boston started texting me

I’ll be seeing him in Florida on Saturday!

Acra and Chris visited me for half an hour

they were grabbing Howie’s ski stuff for this weekend’s Snowbird comps

I told them what’s been going on

Acra is praying for me and that in itself makes me hopeful

there are so many people praying for me

I am blessed

it is 8 pm and we are still packing

haven’t had dinner yet

somehow we will get packed and be ready

and get some sleep

for a 3am home departure

for the 5:45am flight

We Make Plans and God Laughs

We Make Plans and God Laughs

spent my appointment with Josh

talking about my travel anxiety

my need to observe the world spin around me

not partake, not get involved

stay in the moment, be mindful

“I have arrived, I am home

in the here and in the now

I am solid, I am free

in the ultimate, I dwell”

mantra/poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

in his book You Are Here

that has been my mantra of late

I have memorized it

I keep talking about it

I breathe it

I think it as I try to sleep

as I try to stay calm

Josh worked on my alignment, my circulation

supporting my need to be mindful of the world

but to stay detached from the craziness

the hustle and bustle that surrounds me

as always I left my session

much calmer and centered

feeling much better about my plane rides to Florida

with Micah on Saturday

Barbara was waiting for me at the counter

and immediately said – you had a good session

I can tell

Alisun, my naturopath was at the counter as well,

I’ve been on the phone with Jackie all morning

it looks like we can get you enrolled

in a clinical trial for NP001

I started crying, gently, it was so hopeful

I am so touched by Alisun’s effort into my care

Barbara helped me pay, and carry my vitamins to the car

she helped me navigate my way to the car

and into the car

we were running out of time between appointments

I drank some water, ate an apple

as she drove me to Andy, my therapist

Barbara tried to park the car parallel to the curb

it was super snowy out and navigating my way to the sidewalk

from the car was not easy, a young angel woman walking by

helped Barbara get me out of the car and into the office

it was not easy

Andy and dog Walter were awaiting my arrival

after getting me seated and elevated on the couch

we started the session with a meditation

Andy helped me with my seated posture

I talked about my feet being swollen

the speech therapist who operated on fear

how she scared us and hurt my spirit

how western medicine operates this way

how I have chosen for an eastern approach

Andy was so so supportive,

Josh, Sarah, Lauren, Alisun and I

can all help you keep your voice and your breath

we talked about Micah and our trip to Florida

about mindfulness and living in the moment

and Thich Nhat Hanh

he noticed my neck was sore

he asked me to think of someone nurturing,

my mother… oh mom…

Andy put my shoes back on and my coat

helped me get up off the couch

steadied me on my walker

opened the door

and Barbara was standing right there

Do you have another appointment right now?

Yes-

Barbara looked a bit distraught

Well, Micah is O.K., he was in a ski accident

but he’s O.K. , he broke his patella and lacerated his knee

Jackie is driving him to the hospital

which should make you happy, no ambulance bill

I was walking with my walker, gently crying

Barbara said, you’re handling this much better than I thought

well, you told me really well

so we don’t know what we are doing now do we?

after I got into the car I bawled for a minute

releasing my stress with tears

we went to the co-op parking lot

Barbara got us some soup

we ate in the car

then we met Jackie and Micah

at the entrance to the emergency room

my car pulled up next to Jackie’s

window to window

Micah looked fine. he cried out of disappointment

I told him, it was o.k., shit happens

I love you Micah, you’re going to be fine

we will spend time together in our house

 

since the knee was cut open

they had to do the surgery right away

Barbara helped Jackie get Micah out of the car

we drove home

Barbara and I arrived at home

slowly we navigated me out of the car

to my walker and into the house

there was one precarious moment

when I almost lost hold of the bannister

while Barb brought my walker up the steps

that moment of trepidation

resonated with me

the need to be mindful

don’t make things worse

whewww

then one step at a time into the house

and straight to my bed

minutes later friends arrived

and they helped get my shoes off

my coat off, my pants off

then to the bathroom

then back to bed

exhausted

John and Barbara went up the mountain to get Micah’s car

Laura and Gabby made dinner

Nettie, Ellie and Ben arrived

while I rested

they were all planning on coming to dinner

before Micah’s ski accident

for a college send off for Ben & Gabby

so this dinner was still happening with a twist

when John got back to the house

with his help, I got undressed

took a shower, shaved

got dressed

joined the party

me and 6 friends

all holding us up with their loving hearts

We have amazing friends

Micah’s surgery was a success

I went to bed early at 10:30

Jackie got home around 11:30

I woke up came out to see her

said goodnight to the Michels 

and went back to bed

post surgery sushi from Gail

two new screws put his knee back together

the next day

Jackie took Buddy for a walk on a bluebird day

so today instead of flying to Florida

Micah and I watched football together

What Our Friends Don't See

1/10/17

What Our Friends Don’t See

I just got out of bed

I’m stretching my calves

then doing other stretches

precariously holding on to the top of the tall dresser

there is a crash from the kitchen

Howie opened a cupboard

and my coffee mug

fell out and onto

a favorite ceramic bowl

breaking them both

Jackie starts crying and screams,

this is what sets me off

we have other people in our house helping us

they put things in the wrong places

they fall out and break

then there’s glass on the floor

I’ll cut my foot

I’m trying to make Howie breakfast

he’s late for school again

now the sink disposal is going to break

Barbara stops by to drop off my computer

I listen to them talk, laugh and cry

I’m on the floor of our bedroom on my yoga mat

doing my morning floor exercises

thinking to myself,

usually I tell them where everything goes

but yesterday I went to the bathroom

while Gail did dishes

I do a mountain pose on my back

arms stretched overhead, feet straight

head tilted back

it feels good and safe

Barbara leaves taking Buddy

we have appointments in Bozeman all day

I do my floor routine

end with shavassana

then roll over and try to get up

I struggle to get on all fours

the yoga mat is too sticky

I forgot to push it out of the way

I can’t get up on all fours

I roll over onto my back

Jackie wants to help me

I’m out of breath

I say to her,

this is what our friends don’t see

she rolls up my yoga mat

and says, but they read about it

I roll onto my stomach

get up on my elbows

and with all my strength

manage my way onto all fours

I lean on the seat of my walker

propped up against Jackie’s desk

slowly, one bent foot, one bent leg,

one bent arm, at a time

I lift myself up

grab the handles of the walker

and stand up

The Explosion

The Explosion

we are all in the t.v. room

watching the Lions – Seahawks playoff game

dinner, a bowl of  chicken curry, on our laps

suddenly we hear a loud commotion

like the annoying buzz of Howie’s new drone

combined with the sound of the blender

making my morning coconut oil smoothie

things crashing everywhere

we all look at each other

we are all there in the room, even the dog

what the heck

suddenly a jar of pills flies by the open doorway

a jar from a closed cupboard ten yards away

everyone gets up, but me – I can’t

our cat has opened the cupboard

behind my spot at the kitchen table somehow

he has hooked my paper bag of performance enhancing drugs

around his neck and thrown my pill jars

eleven in all, plastic and glass, all over the great room

Howie pursues the cat

as he scurries down the stairs

dives to tackle, but misses

then finds the cat

under his bed

the torn bag still hooked around his neck

later as I walk around the house I find

some random tiny vitamin D pills on the floor

the only jar that the cat got open

trying to help me as only a cat can