Thursday, December 29, 2016

Ups and Downs

12/27/16  1:45am

I can’t sleep.
at about 11 pm Howie went to bed
minutes later Jackie called Micah
Andrew had a flat tire and Micah needed to go get them
from the store, it had been the busiest day of the year
most deliveries ever in one day
they were finally heading home and Andrew had a flat

Micah left and I sat in my spot reading the ny times online
it had been a long productive good day
I did deposits, I paid bills
Cece was visiting from San Francisco
and spent the day helping me
she counted money for me
she helped get the bills out of the file
she made me breakfast
she made me lunch
she put dishes away
she did laundry
she cooked up a dinner for me
she left around 4:30 when I got up from my nap

I sat in my spot and worked on the store bills
Lauren came over after 6 and helped me finish
took my computer to the store
printed the checks and filed the paid bills

before Lauren left Denise came over
for a visit and served us the dinner Cece had prepared

she stayed so I could take a shower
with someone in the house
while I was in the shower Howie came home
he had been working delivering groceries

when I was done with my shower
I found Howie and Denise watching Monday Night Football
Lions Cowboys tied 21-21
What quarter is it? I asked
Howie said, halftime
I said, halftime? that’s a good time to make popcorn
Denise laughed and Howie got up and made a great batch of popcorn

The Cowboys took control of the game
and Denise left
after the game Howie and I downloaded the crossword puzzle
and started it at the kitchen table
Micah came home with Chinese Food and joined us
The 3 of us were able to complete the puzzle
that’s 2 days in a row!
we shall see how we do tomorrow night
with Wednesday’s puzzle

Howie went to bed
Jackie called Micah
and he left to get them
I read the paper
all so depressing
the entire world is an upside down mess
not just me

I got up to go to the bathroom
brush my teeth, get ready for bed

I was balancing myself
trekking pole in my right hand
left hand on the table
then the back of a chair
I lost my balance slightly, the chair fell over
I went down
smacked my head behind my ear
on the corner of the kitchen table
and crashed to the floor

I lay on the floor and cried
then slowly got on all fours
I was banged up, but somehow ok
I lifted the fallen chair
reached for the table
and with my arms lifted myself up

I walked slowly to the bathroom
brushed my teeth and peed
I noticed there was blood behind my ear
I heard the door to the house open
everyone was home

I slowly walked out to the kitchen
I told the boys, Jackie was still in the car
I sat down in my spot
they looked behind me ear
started to clean it up
and make sure it wasn’t serious
I didn’t need stitches
but I could feel a bump swelling up

Jackie was upset
I was so looking forward to seeing her
celebrating her super successful
busiest day ever
I knew how hard a day she had
combined with worrying about me
I missed her, I love her
I knew how exhausted she must be
and minutes before she got home I fell

Jackie and Micah worked at cleaning the wound
they gave me an icepack
they put on a band aid

I felt stupid
it’s all so stupid
I upset everybody
I felt so fragile
I wanted to get into bed
but I also dreaded getting into bed

the boys sat with me in the bed
but I couldn’t relax, couldn’t get comfortable
Jackie came in,
they brought me some water
they made me some tea
I tried to drink
I tried to calm down
to focus on my breathing

eventually the boys went to sleep
and Jackie came to bed
I tried sleeping on my back
couldn’t, had to sit up in the bed
I climbed back in
and tried sleeping on my side
I almost fell asleep,
but my leg would jerk
whenever I started to doze
and wake me up

I tried again on my back, but felt trapped
I sat up on the edge of the bed
Jackie tried to calm me back to a sleeping position
but I couldn’t calm down

I kept telling myself to calm down
tried to focus on my breathing
and I said to Jackie,
I’m scared
I battle this all the time
I do pretty good, but I don’t always win
I am strong, but sometimes this happens
I sat on the edge of the bed
when I’m that upset I lose my voice
I wanted to say,
there is so much love out there in the world
holding me up and I feel it
the tears started to drip down my face
my breathing calmed down
Jackie fell asleep
but I was wide awake
I got out of bed and walked
ever so slowly to my spot at the table

as I type this on my laptop
my left shoulder hurts
I feel some wetness behind my ear
I take a tissue, I’m slightly bleeding
no big deal, it stops

I’m afraid to go back to bed,
but eventually I will

I miss the physical and mental exhaustion
from a hard day at work and/or play
I loved to skate ski because it exercised my body and my mind
and it made me tired and I slept well

so before I worked and exercised my body
so my mind wouldn’t keep me awake
now I am all mind – my body functions, but it doesn’t work
and though every simple task takes me an enormous amount of effort
the exhaustion from that is very different from the exhaustion
from vigorous physical activity

I truly feel all the love out there
and all the healing prayers from so many people
of many different faiths and walks of life
thank you all for holding me up

in the meantime
my neck and shoulder are sore
I need to try to sleep
I think I’ll try to read for a bit

            *          *          *

so after getting maybe 3 ½ hours of sleep
it was time to start another day

my ear and neck were not that swollen
achy, but not so bad
when I got on my yoga mat
I was able to do a really good downward dog
my shoulder was fine

I was walking OK, go slow to go fast
I tell myself.
Andrew stayed with me, made me breakfast
walked Buddy and Kristin came over
with her 11 week old baby girl Freyja
we visited the entire afternoon
we sat and chatted
she made me lunch
when it was time for me to nap
she helped set me uo in bed

Andrew came home from the store around 6
I showered , then we had dinner together
it was a full on blizzard out there
Howie and Micah worked until 8
We all did the crossword together
almost getting it all done
I got into bed with my book
Jackie came home after 10

            *          *          *

Wednesday morning, the boys
all got up early and skied powder
Jackie and I had a slow morning together
sat a long time at the kitchen table
She didn’t head to work until after 1 pm

John came over to spend some time with me
we sat and chatted
he warmed up some bone broth
we hung out

Sara came over for an energy work session at 3:30
John walked Buddy
as soon as I got on the table I started to cry
she saw the scab on my ear
and I told her about my fall
Sara worked on my feet for a long time
she moved up my legs, my sacrum
my neck and head
at the end of the session
she told me she was feeling frustrated
my body was different, slow to open up
that fall had put my body in shock
my three little toes on my right foot were bruised
she worked my shoulder and it hurt
she smiled, finally you are opening
she felt I had a hard time receiving
she is always so in tune

she helped me off the table
walked me to the bathroom
then helped me get into bed
I was chilled, she put a yoga blanket over me
left me alone with my book
I was exhausted
it was about 5:30
I read in bed and relaxed
until Andrew & Micah got home around 6:30

I got out of bed and used the bathroom
and decided to shower
I told the boys to listen for me

when I was drying myself
I tried to get the towel around
to the back of my shoulders
I lost my balance, my left hand grabbed
for the grab bar, but missed
and I fell backwards scraping
against the pony wall and sliding down to the floor
I moaned and the boys came running

I was disgusted with myself
I thought to call for Andrew to help dry myself
but I didn’t and I fell
my back hurt but there was no visible bruise
it was strained
just what I needed, something else to heal

I struggled with the boys help to get up
I calmed down, sat on the bed
and they helped me get my jammies on
I sat at my spot at the table
as the boys prepped dinner
we watched the end of the Knicks game
they lost in overtime
Howie got home from work

at about 9pm Jackie came home
and we had dinner,
prepared and served by the 3 Robin boys

after dinner despite the lateness
we watched a movie
Jackie and Howie made popcorn
set up on the couch with a chair for my feet
pillows and blankets galore
plus popcorn and the cat settled on my feet
we started the movie

at about 12:30 with an hour to go
we decided to finish the movie tomorrow
I was exhausted
my feet were swollen
I gingerly walked to the bathroom
I got into bed on my side with the covers on
I said good night to Andrew with tears flowing
but I was overheated and sat up almost immediately

Micah came in to say goodnight
then Jackie and Howie came in
Howie wanted to light the Hanukkah candles
and so we did
it was a sweet family moment
Andrew holding the silver menorah in a cardboard box
all of us singing the prayers
and Howie lighting the candles

and then I was able to sleep

        *          *          *

pictures from Thursday night
after a restful day


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