Ups and Downs

12/27/16  1:45am

I can’t sleep.

at about 11 pm Howie went to bed

minutes later Jackie called Micah

Andrew had a flat tire and Micah needed to go get them

from the store, it had been the busiest day of the year

most deliveries ever in one day

they were finally heading home and Andrew had a flat

Micah left and I sat in my spot reading the ny times online

it had been a long productive good day

I did deposits, I paid bills

Cece was visiting from San Francisco

and spent the day helping me

she counted money for me

she helped get the bills out of the file

she made me breakfast

she made me lunch

she put dishes away

she did laundry

she cooked up a dinner for me

she left around 4:30 when I got up from my nap

I sat in my spot and worked on the store bills

Lauren came over after 6 and helped me finish

took my computer to the store

printed the checks and filed the paid bills

before Lauren left Denise came over

for a visit and served us the dinner Cece had prepared

she stayed so I could take a shower

with someone in the house

while I was in the shower Howie came home

he had been working delivering groceries

when I was done with my shower

I found Howie and Denise watching Monday Night Football

Lions Cowboys tied 21-21

What quarter is it? I asked

Howie said, halftime

I said, halftime? that’s a good time to make popcorn

Denise laughed and Howie got up and made a great batch of popcorn

The Cowboys took control of the game

and Denise left

after the game Howie and I downloaded the crossword puzzle

and started it at the kitchen table

Micah came home with Chinese Food and joined us

The 3 of us were able to complete the puzzle

that’s 2 days in a row!

we shall see how we do tomorrow night

with Wednesday’s puzzle

Howie went to bed

Jackie called Micah

and he left to get them

I read the paper

all so depressing

the entire world is an upside down mess

not just me

I got up to go to the bathroom

brush my teeth, get ready for bed

I was balancing myself

trekking pole in my right hand

left hand on the table

then the back of a chair

I lost my balance slightly, the chair fell over

I went down

smacked my head behind my ear

on the corner of the kitchen table

and crashed to the floor

I lay on the floor and cried

then slowly got on all fours

I was banged up, but somehow ok

I lifted the fallen chair

reached for the table

and with my arms lifted myself up

I walked slowly to the bathroom

brushed my teeth and peed

I noticed there was blood behind my ear

I heard the door to the house open

everyone was home

I slowly walked out to the kitchen

I told the boys, Jackie was still in the car

I sat down in my spot

they looked behind me ear

started to clean it up

and make sure it wasn’t serious

I didn’t need stitches

but I could feel a bump swelling up

Jackie was upset

I was so looking forward to seeing her

celebrating her super successful

busiest day ever

I knew how hard a day she had

combined with worrying about me

I missed her, I love her

I knew how exhausted she must be

and minutes before she got home I fell

Jackie and Micah worked at cleaning the wound

they gave me an icepack

they put on a band aid

I felt stupid

it’s all so stupid

I upset everybody

I felt so fragile

I wanted to get into bed

but I also dreaded getting into bed

the boys sat with me in the bed

but I couldn’t relax, couldn’t get comfortable

Jackie came in,

they brought me some water

they made me some tea

I tried to drink

I tried to calm down

to focus on my breathing

eventually the boys went to sleep

and Jackie came to bed

I tried sleeping on my back

couldn’t, had to sit up in the bed

I climbed back in

and tried sleeping on my side

I almost fell asleep,

but my leg would jerk

whenever I started to doze

and wake me up

I tried again on my back, but felt trapped

I sat up on the edge of the bed

Jackie tried to calm me back to a sleeping position

but I couldn’t calm down

I kept telling myself to calm down

tried to focus on my breathing

and I said to Jackie,

I’m scared

I battle this all the time

I do pretty good, but I don’t always win

I am strong, but sometimes this happens

I sat on the edge of the bed

when I’m that upset I lose my voice

I wanted to say,

there is so much love out there in the world

holding me up and I feel it

the tears started to drip down my face

my breathing calmed down

Jackie fell asleep

but I was wide awake

I got out of bed and walked

ever so slowly to my spot at the table

as I type this on my laptop

my left shoulder hurts

I feel some wetness behind my ear

I take a tissue, I’m slightly bleeding

no big deal, it stops

I’m afraid to go back to bed,

but eventually I will

I miss the physical and mental exhaustion

from a hard day at work and/or play

I loved to skate ski because it exercised my body and my mind

and it made me tired and I slept well

so before I worked and exercised my body

so my mind wouldn’t keep me awake

now I am all mind – my body functions, but it doesn’t work

and though every simple task takes me an enormous amount of effort

the exhaustion from that is very different from the exhaustion

from vigorous physical activity

I truly feel all the love out there

and all the healing prayers from so many people

of many different faiths and walks of life

thank you all for holding me up

in the meantime

my neck and shoulder are sore

I need to try to sleep

I think I’ll try to read for a bit

            *          *          *

so after getting maybe 3 ½ hours of sleep

it was time to start another day

my ear and neck were not that swollen

achy, but not so bad

when I got on my yoga mat

I was able to do a really good downward dog

my shoulder was fine

I was walking OK, go slow to go fast

I tell myself.

Andrew stayed with me, made me breakfast

walked Buddy and Kristin came over

with her 11 week old baby girl Freyja

we visited the entire afternoon

we sat and chatted

she made me lunch

when it was time for me to nap

she helped set me uo in bed

Andrew came home from the store around 6

I showered , then we had dinner together

it was a full on blizzard out there

Howie and Micah worked until 8

We all did the crossword together

almost getting it all done

I got into bed with my book

Jackie came home after 10

            *          *          *

Wednesday morning, the boys

all got up early and skied powder

Jackie and I had a slow morning together

sat a long time at the kitchen table

She didn’t head to work until after 1 pm

John came over to spend some time with me

we sat and chatted

he warmed up some bone broth

we hung out

Sara came over for an energy work session at 3:30

John walked Buddy

as soon as I got on the table I started to cry

she saw the scab on my ear

and I told her about my fall

Sara worked on my feet for a long time

she moved up my legs, my sacrum

my neck and head

at the end of the session

she told me she was feeling frustrated

my body was different, slow to open up

that fall had put my body in shock

my three little toes on my right foot were bruised

she worked my shoulder and it hurt

she smiled, finally you are opening

she felt I had a hard time receiving

she is always so in tune

she helped me off the table

walked me to the bathroom

then helped me get into bed

I was chilled, she put a yoga blanket over me

left me alone with my book

I was exhausted

it was about 5:30

I read in bed and relaxed

until Andrew & Micah got home around 6:30

I got out of bed and used the bathroom

and decided to shower

I told the boys to listen for me

when I was drying myself

I tried to get the towel around

to the back of my shoulders

I lost my balance, my left hand grabbed

for the grab bar, but missed

and I fell backwards scraping

against the pony wall and sliding down to the floor

I moaned and the boys came running

I was disgusted with myself

I thought to call for Andrew to help dry myself

but I didn’t and I fell

my back hurt but there was no visible bruise

it was strained

just what I needed, something else to heal

I struggled with the boys help to get up

I calmed down, sat on the bed

and they helped me get my jammies on

I sat at my spot at the table

as the boys prepped dinner

we watched the end of the Knicks game

they lost in overtime

Howie got home from work

at about 9pm Jackie came home

and we had dinner,

prepared and served by the 3 Robin boys

after dinner despite the lateness

we watched a movie

Jackie and Howie made popcorn

set up on the couch with a chair for my feet

pillows and blankets galore

plus popcorn and the cat settled on my feet

we started the movie

at about 12:30 with an hour to go

we decided to finish the movie tomorrow

I was exhausted

my feet were swollen

I gingerly walked to the bathroom

I got into bed on my side with the covers on

I said good night to Andrew with tears flowing

but I was overheated and sat up almost immediately

Micah came in to say goodnight

then Jackie and Howie came in

Howie wanted to light the Hanukkah candles

and so we did

it was a sweet family moment

Andrew holding the silver menorah in a cardboard box

all of us singing the prayers

and Howie lighting the candles

and then I was able to sleep

        *          *          *

pictures from Thursday night

after a restful day