Winter Solstice

12/21/16

Monday

Monday morning, Jackie set me up, with my smoothie

my banana and peanut butter, my water bottle, my pills

my computer and my work pile,

Mondays are spent paying bills and doing payroll

I sat down at the table

Ben showed up with the payroll

and I got to work

I got up to take a bathroom break

and to make myself a cup of coffee

and this is what happened:

I warmed up the milk already on the stove

I tentatively poured the warm milk into my mug

then the already brewed coffee

slowly I moved the full mug

the three feet from

one counter to the other

with only a slight spill

when I put it down

then slid it across to the opposite edge

closer to the kitchen table

and then the real challenge

to carry it the ten feet

from the kitchen counter

to the kitchen table

one small step at a time

walking with my trekking pole in my right hand

coffee mug in my left hand

I’m balanced, I’m doing it

one step at a time, 7 small steps

I get to the table

I’m there, I lean over, I put it down,

my hand shakes

the coffee mug rattles and tips over

I push aside all my papers

I push my computer away

the coffee spills everywhere

on to my foot warmer, my slippers, the rug, my chair

all over the table

I don’t just cry, I bawl

I yell for Howie, sound asleep downstairs

I call him on his phone

I text him

I call him

I text him

I sit at the kitchen counter

and bawl and bawl

I gather myself, try to calm down

gather strength to yell

as my voice has begun failing me

still crying

just so so upset

about my failure

and my inability to clean up my mess

puddles of coffee on the table

soaking into the rug

into the cushion of my chair

I walk ever so tentatively to the downstairs railing

lean over and yell, HOWIE!!!!

I hear movement

he yells back, Coming!

runs up the stairs in his underwear

I’m crying uncontrollably

I tell him, I’m O.K. I’m sorry I scared you,

I spilled my coffee

I show him my mess

I go sit on my bed

and cry and cry

the tears dripping off my face

he comes over and sits next to me

he’s crying too

he puts his arm around me

I calm down and apologize

for scaring him

he says, it’s o.k.

we walk back over to the mess together

and I tell him what to do,

he moves all the wet things away,

switches my chair,

makes me a new cup of coffee

and I get back to work

trying to get payroll done

before Sara comes by to do energy work with me

Howie makes me lunch while I work

walks Buddy

and goes to work at the store

After Sara leaves,

I get started on the bills

Lauren comes by and helps me finish

and takes my computer to the store

to print the checks and file the paid bills

I’m alone when I write this,

somehow I can still open a bag of chips

and carry them to the table

then go to the fridge and get some hummus

the wind still howls and howls

gust after gust

sounds like all the trees

are going to timber down

yet they stand tall

rooted in the ground

they sway in the cold wind

they are surely brittle from the frigid cold

but they do not break

            *          *          *

Tuesday

Tuesday I worked for a few hours at the store

which meant sitting in the dining area

drinking a latte and meeting with vendors and customers

it went well, almost felt normal

I had a 3:00 pm acupuncture appointment

so Barbara picked me up at 1:15

and we head to Bozeman

we talked, my voice raspy and bothersome

but we talked about talking, about voice banking

about stuff, and she drove

we stopped to pick up Bequet caramels for the store

and we got to my appointment in plenty of time

Lauren, my acupuncturist, focused on my neck

my spine, and my scalp,

after the treatment I definitely felt calmer

my voice a bit stronger

we drove back to Big Sky

we dropped the caramels off at the store

Jackie drove me home,

I lied down to rest

Howie drove her back to the store and picked up

Chinese food for dinner

when he got home I showered,

we ate dinner, we made popcorn

and we watched a movie

            *          *          *

Wednesday

it is winter solstice, the shortest day of the year

today is an unbelievable sunny bluebird day

the sun shining on my spot at the kitchen table

today was visiting day,

Gena came over to discuss health insurance

and hospital bills, ugh.

despite that we had a really nice visit

Nettie came over to spend time together,

make me lunch, help around the house

I sat at my spot at the kitchen table

Lori, in town for the holidays stopped by for a visit

and brought me a stone heart with gems and laughter

Michael, in town for the holidays stopped by for a visit

and brought me healing prayers, wine and smiles

The four of us sat around the table drinking tea,

and talked about me, the store, friends, wine, big sky, the kids,

meditation, breathing, healing, mindfulness

I told one of my favorite yoga stories

taking a master’s class with 25 others in a small studio

this young super fit, super strong homeboy from New York

teaching yoga in southern France

doing a special class in Big Sky, a class so difficult

that at the end of the class, my shirt was so wet from sweat

I could have rung it dry

at one point during the class

he noticed me huffing and puffing

came over to me and said,

get your breathing together, bro!

after Lori and Michael left, Nettie shared a story she wrote

over a year ago, with me, a main character

the memory was doing handstands near the river,

but the story was about so much more

it was such a day of mellow but intense sharing

the darkest day of the year

filled with so much light