I allow myself to heal on all levels
I allow myself to heal on all levels
I allow myself to heal on all levels

That's the mantra my new cranio/sacral guy had me say out loud
as he worked on me yesterday on all levels. Lots of talk about nourishing myself on all levels as well. One day at a time I am learning to focus on me more than I ever have.

I saw him right after my second visit with my acupuncturist. A needle in my hand, a needle in my foot, needles along my spine and needles threaded an inch under my scalp, like knitting a sweater. Laying on my stomach for half an hour focused on my breathing, relaxing my body, and opening my body to nourishment.

I am trying to teach myself to pray out loud as I know I am suddenly on many prayer lists all around the world, at the same time I need to save my voice and talk less.

The ironies in my world are unlimited.

In the meantime life keeps happening every day with many moments of joy:

The best biggest laugh I have had in a long time was standing and leaning against a wall at the restaurant we were in last night. We were getting ready to leave and Jackie was standing there with me as we waited for the car to warm up. And I said, "I love walls, that's why I voted for Trump." I said this pretty loudly and I almost fell down laughing so hard.

The day before that was Peg's birthday and I took this picture of my angel Jackie and Grandma Peggy:



and then yesterday morning :  How many Big Sky Legends does it take to unscrew a meat slicer?

Thanksgiving 2016

What I am grateful for

That stuffed to the brim turkey on the kitchen counter

My three sons, Andrew stuck at work

Micah and Howie doing backflips on opening day

Fantasy football and the Redskin players that did well for them

My mother-in-law who loves the Lions and Dancing with the Stars

My Jackie – need I say more

My friends who laugh at my jokes

            We were talking baseball and Ivy league colleges

            And I made a speech:

“Bill Bradley went to Princeton      

Ron Darling, Mets pitcher went to Yale

            Lou Gehrig went to Columbia

            Yeah, Lou Gehrig and I have a lot in common

            Or even funnier than that – figures I’d get a Yankee disease

            Big lifetime Mets fan with a Yankee disease

Love and laughter

Pain in the Buddy who always wants a walk, and spends every meal

            under the table at my feet

New friends who sent down their Polaris Mule for me to take for a ride

A phone call from a dear cousin

For some fresh snow and lots of sunshine

For a walk down the road

For Spotify, Sonos and infinite music

For Grandpa Sandy’s stuffing recipe

For adventure traveling and dinner stories 

           Micah and Howie told a NYC story of losing a phone, 

           getting separated on the subway 

           and in the end figuring it all out and getting lucky

For loving friends, family, and community

Surrounding me with love, laughter and life...

Micah takes over carving the turkey with Howie's help

two poems from Moab

Election Day 2016

I’m sitting in front of a t.v.

waiting to hear Hillary’s concession speech

I’m in shock

it feels like I’m living

in an alternative universe

that I accidentally entered

through a wrong door

and I can’t find my way back

Everyday when I wake up

in the morning and I struggle

to get out of bed

I know that this is my reality

and there is no way out

except to be strong and positive

and to surround myself with people

I love and enjoy

focus on fun and  joy

love and laughter

and beauty

Two months ago I was diagnosed with ALS

it started as weakness in my right hand

and then weakness in my legs

I can still use my hands

I can still walk

but now use walking poles

Jackie and I spent election day

in Canyonlands National Park

in beautiful southern Utah

we drove around

and took a couple of short hikes

The longest hike of the day

was 1 kilometer to Pothole Point

it was like walking on the moon

little craters on a rock surface

I stumbled and fell twice

tripping over the potholes

but I got up both times

with Jackie’s help

bruised and sore, but still walking

we sat and picnicked

in front of a massive majestic expansive view

two ravens joined us

squawking, kissing, grooming, hovering by us

only a few feet away

we enjoyed our lunch

and took in the beauty

we hiked the one kilometer back to the car

slowly and carefully, arm in arm

mindful of every step

those two falls were new to us

and scared us

but we carried on

we drove around the park

and stopped at another short hike

this one  1 kilometer round trip

mostly on a dirt trail

to an ancient Native American granary

a store house for corn

the sun set in the distance

behind the red rock walls of Canyonlands

we drove back to Moab

an hour or so away

back to cell service and radio

to slowly find out

that Hillary was not winning

and as the night progressed

that Trump had won in a stunning upset

and so my alternative universe

marked with tears and fatigue

will continue on

but I will prevail

I will be strong

I will have fun

and I know that despite all this craziness

I will always be surrounded by love

My First Visit to a Bookstore

I’m out on a walk

in downtown Moab

with my walking sticks

I adjust my backpack on my shoulder

my water bottle falls out

and rolls away on the sidewalk

towards the street curb

a young man passing by grabs it for me

I stop and lean against a wall and

put it back in my pack

half a block later it crashes to the ground again

this time I somehow pick it up myself

lean against a picket fence and put it inside my pack

I continue on to the bookstore

I drop my backpack near the door

and wander around

without a wall to lean on

I struggle to look through a book

without falling

I lean on my sticks, but I really need a hand to do that

and its hard to look through a book with only one hand

in front of the Western section

there is the back of a couch

that I lean on while I look

Bass, Doig, Harrison, but I still can’t reach

down to the bottom shelf

without risk of cramps or falling

or the inability to get back up

so no Stegner for me

I look at a book by Thich Nhat Hanh

“How to Walk”

the entry I read is about being mindful of every step

I put it back before I stumble and fall

I pick up my backpack by the door

thank the bookseller

and wander back onto the sidewalk

where I find a bench to sit and rest

Delicate Arch

Yesterday we went to Arches

we were hiking on the Upper View Trail

to Delicate Arch, the iconic arch

that symbolizes the beauty of southern Utah

as we walked up the dirt path

me trekking along slowly with my poles

we came upon a sharp ascent

of stone stairs and a steep upwards path

Jackie, Andrew and Erin continued up

and I turned back

I walked back down the path

to the very short and flat

Lower View Trail

and to the lower view of the far away Delicate Arch

the blue sky and the red dirt

and the specks of people

I stood there at the park sign

marking the official lower view point

with an up close photo

and the explanation of mother nature

I stood there supported by my trekking poles

gazing at the expansive view

took a deep breath

read the sign and snapped a photo

then wandered back to the parking lot

sat at a picnic table

and waited for my family to return

earlier that day at Balanced Rock

9/5/16

Dear Family & Friends,

Life is a crazy thing. Every day is a blessing.

I think of all of you, of all the people in my life and I know I am a very lucky man.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am overwhelmed with joy. 

This might be an odd thing to say, but I feel it is true:

I have chosen for whatever reason to work very hard and many hours so far in my life. Maybe it was the example my parents set when I was young. Who knows?

But as hard as I have worked, I have also had a lot of fun. I have many treasured moments in my life, many unbelievable experiences at home and all over the world.

I plan on continuing to work as hard as I am able and moreover I plan on having as much fun, laughter and joy as I can.

I also truly feel I am a good person. I care about others. I have always tried to do my best for my family, my friends, my community and myself.  I plan on continuing to do just that.

I have been diagnosed with ALS.  It started happening this summer. I developed weakness in my right hand and I started walking funny. It took me a while to figure out, but as all my symptoms started to bother me more and more I took myself to the doctor. How fast it is progressing, or how much time I have for “normal” living, who knows.

Things are going to get harder for me. Things I have always taken for granted are going to be more difficult for me. The pace at which I have become accustomed to living is going to slow down a lot.  That’s a good thing. My life is going to change. My body is going to change. I am still going to be me.  I am writing this letter to help me process what is happening to me.  I am writing this letter as a way to let everyone I love know what is going on with me. I am writing this letter to let everyone know I will be O.K.

Life is a blessing. Every day is a blessing. I am surrounded by so much love and beauty every day. I am a very lucky man.

Love you all,

Mark